Going Back to Square One
How to navigate the stages of change
“Everything is changing…and that’s okay”
Martha Beck
I was recently in a coaching session with a client and she was talking about some stuck places in a new project she really wanted to start. She said she felt defeated and then said, “I think I’m going back to square one”.
Sometimes we choose to make big changes in our lives (i.e., moving to a new house, starting a new career, or retiring), sometimes change is thrust upon us and unwelcome (i.e, the death of a loved one or being down-sized at work), and sometimes it’s a happy surprise that throws us off balance (i.e., a new baby or grandchild, or unexpected promotion at work).
Whatever the cause of your life change, it can cause you to feel all kinds of emotions as well as disruption and uncertainty, and you may not know what to do next. We sometimes use the phrase, “back to square one” to describe these unsettling experiences.
Martha Beck, in her book Finding Your Own North Star, describes these stages of life transformation as a cyclical process called The Change Cycle. Through our lives we go round and round this change cycle and can be at various stages of change in different parts of our lives.
As a brief overview, the change cycle has four different parts:
Square One: Death and rebirth
Square Two: Dreaming and scheming
Square Three: The hero’s journey
Square Four: The promised land
We find ourselves in Square One after some sort of catalytic event (such as I described above). It’s a time of confusion and a general state of not knowing what’s going on or what to do next. We’re grieving our loss of life as it was and may still be in a place of disbelief. There are typically many thoughts and feelings to process in Square One.
There’s no set time limit for being in Square One and it varies for everyone depending on the nature of the catalytic event, but you’ll know when you’re ready to head into Square Two because you’ll start getting some ideas, maybe start dreaming a little of the future in it’s different forms, and that’s where a little bit of magic starts to happen. You may have vivid dreams, or start playing by making small changes. Martha Beck refers to Square Two as the place where we start “dreaming and scheming”. In my experience, it’s a creative and fun square to spend time in.
As you start dreaming of a new future and the new version of yourself who belongs in that future, you’ll continue the process of transformation and start dipping your toes into Square Three and your own “hero’s journey”. A lot of trial and error happens in Square Three and you may find yourself going back to Square One many times as you take tiny turtle steps forward and limiting beliefs (i.e., self-doubt, not feeling “good enough”, etc.) rise to the surface. All of this is completely normal and expected.
When you eventually reach your goal, you’ll enter Square Four where you can rest and celebrate the journey….until you get thrown by some life event and you’re “back to square one…..”.
And the cycle continues.
Exercise 1: Moving through the Squares
Here’s an invitation to think about the various parts of your life and where you are in the change cycle in each part.
Some ways you can break the parts of your life down:
Home
Work/career
Personal relationships
Finances
Health
You may want to get out your journal and explore each area as it relates to the change cycle.
Example: You may be very comfortable and happy in your marriage (Square Four), but you may be in the process of starting a new job or retiring (Square One). You may be planning a big summer holiday and are trying to put all the pieces together (Squares Two and Three).
Exercise 2: Improbable Dreams
Are you ready to start dreaming about your next life adventure? This exercise is adapted from the Whizzing on the Electric Fence exercise in Finding Your Own North Star.
Start by bringing yourself into the present moment by doing breath and grounding exercises. You may want to sit quietly in meditation for a few minutes, go for a mindful walk, or move through a short mindful yoga practice.
Then, get out your journal or a piece of paper, grab a pen and consider the following journal prompts:
If I could stop worrying about what others think, I would
.If I knew I would be able to follow through and be successful, I would
.If I wasn’t so scared and had more courage, I would
.If money wasn’t a problem, I would
.If I were totally free to choose whatever I wanted, I would
.
When you start noticing circumstances in your life in terms of the change cycle, you’ll begin to see that change is constant and to be expected. You’ll understand that even if things feel hard or bleak in Square One, eventually you’ll discover a new way of being and will be ready to continue the journey.
Source: Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live by Martha Beck.
———
I’d love to hear from you so please send any comments or questions to me at sharon@sharonashtonmindfulyoga.com. Feel free to share this email with anyone else who may be interested.
Please check out The Journey Within podcast at:
What is stopping you from living your best life? Get out your journal and a pen and take the new quiz on my website to find out:
Are you interested in learning more about life change & mindset coaching from a mind/body perspective? Please email me at sharon@sharonashtonmindfulyoga.com for more information or to schedule a free introductory consultation to see if coaching is right for you. You can also visit my website coaching page.
"I felt at complete ease with Sharon from our first conversation. She has a wonderful, gentle but firm way that made me focus on my thoughts / feelings so I could remove / change to move forward with a completely different feeling to what felt like obstacles. It was great having regular coaching that gently kept me accountable to actioning and moving towards my goals. Sharon has vast experience in so many areas, I felt that makes her an amazing coach.”
— Michelle Carney, East Galway, Ireland
You can access your free Find Your Inner Coach Guide including a guided visualization and journal prompts here:
If you’re interested in more inspiration and community around positive mindset, slow mindful yoga, meditation and mindful writing practices, come join our private Facebook group here: