Stress management and self-regulation
Why self-control is so important for your wellbeing
Most of us experience some level of stress every single day and the key to successfully managing that stress lies in our ability to self-regulate.
If you have children in the school system, and particularly if you have children who have attention and/or behaviour problems, you’ve likely heard the term self-regulation. It’s considered part of our executive functioning system, that frontal lobe part of the brain that helps us behave in a socially responsible way and get things done effectively and efficiently.
Self-regulation can be defined in a lot of different ways. I think of it as being able to control behaviour, thoughts and emotions in order to get things done. In simpler terms, you can think of it as thinking before acting. From a mind/body perspective, that also means connecting with how you feel in your body with your thoughts to behave in an appropriate way.
The other day, I was watching a presentation for my role in school psychology by Dr. Russell Barkley, a psychologist with over 40 years of expertise in the area of attention disorders (ADHD). I highly recommend his book: The 12 Principles for Raising a Child with ADHD. If you have been diagnosed with ADHD yourself, then I highly suggest following his work, however, in my opinion, the strategies he talks about are useful for everyone. He talked about the 7 mental abilities that self-control is based on and I’ve adapted them here as we explore mindful self-regulation to help with stress and wellbeing:
Self-awareness - the mind’s mirror. I love thinking about self-awareness as the mind’s mirror. In order to make any changes in our lives, first we have to pay attention to ourselves and be aware of what’s going right, what’s not going so well, and what we want to change. We need to admit to thoughts and behaviours that aren’t serving us and need to change.
Self-restraint - the mind’s brakes. When we’re being mindful, this is that moment when we take a break and consider how we want to respond. Breathe! It requires us to slow down a little and reflect. Sometimes it’s just a few seconds that we need, and sometimes we need to sleep on it.
Self-directed sensing - the mind’s eye. In yoga we sometimes call this the third eye or the 6th chakra, Ajna, where we use our intuition and imagination. Visualization and meditations are a form of self-directed sensing. Sometimes we don’t give our intuition enough credit!
Self-talk or internal speech - the mind’s voice. We are constantly talking to ourselves and we have to watch what we say. The mind’s voice is powerful and it’s important to sit in stillness and observe that voice in our heads, changing the narrative where necessary. What stories are you telling yourself? Is it fact or fiction?
Emotional self-control - the mind’s heart. I love the imagery of the words “the mind’s heart”. Our emotions and our thoughts are so interconnected. Whatever we’re feeling is based on a thought that we’re thinking. Everything outside you is neutral until you give it some sort of meaning. When you’re feeling too much of a negative emotion, check to see what the thought is. Why are you angry? Why are you feeling stressed? Isolate the thought behind the feeling or emotion. Apply numbers 1-4 above, if necessary, before responding.
- Self-motivation - the mind’s fuel tank. What motivates you? Why do you want to do this? That may be a big question and one to spend time journaling about. We often have a desire to do something new or to change something we don’t like about ourselves, but we lack the motivation. Keep asking yourself why motivation is so difficult for you until you get to the root of the problem. Talk to a life/mindset coach, do some self-coaching, write and reflect, and/or talk to a friend. Getting and staying motivated is key for achieving long-term goals.
- Self-directed play - the mind’s playground. My favourite! We all need to take time to play and have fun. As adults we don’t do that nearly enough. What does “fun” mean to you? How can you add more fun to your day? This is something else that journaling will help you uncover. Having some fun and adding play to your life is underrated but it helps with planning and problem solving.
Developing your self-regulation skills will help you to become more resilient to difficult life events, resulting in less stress and overwhelm. We all experience the world in different ways; your idea of fun may be vastly different from mine. Your “why”, or what motivates you, will be different too. We can do the same visualization practice together and have different pictures in our minds. I encourage us all to take time to become more self-aware, watch our self-talk and listen to our mind’s heart.
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