Does an “all or nothing” mindset create anxiety?

How to calm your perfectionistic mind by thinking in beautiful shades of gray

“Absolutes do not exist in this universe. If you try to force your experiences into absolute categories, you will be constantly depressed because your perceptions will not conform to reality. You will set yourself up for discrediting yourself endlessly because whatever you do will never measure up to your exaggerated expectations. The technical name for this type of perceptual error is "dichotomous thinking." You see everything as black or white—shades of gray do not exist.” 

David Burns - Feeling good: The new mood therapy

Do you find yourself saying things like, “I can never do this right”, or “Everyone thinks….”, or “They always……”? Or, maybe you stop yourself from doing something because you can’t be completely sure it will be absolutely perfect, leading to the all-encompassing shut-down thought, “I’m not good enough”.

Those thoughts come from “all or nothing” or “black and white”  thinking. It’s distorted thinking that causes anxiety.

This kind of thinking rarely matches up to what’s really happening because life is full of shades of gray.  That’s good news because when we think in shades of gray, it allows for more flexibility and room to grow.

For example, if you think in terms of “perfect” or “failure”, or “always” or “never”, you’re engaging in all or nothing thinking. This creates blind spots for situations that could have more than one explanation or perspective.

All or nothing thinking is a tricky tactic of your brain to keep you comfortable and safe while  stopping you from moving forward in your life. It stops creative thinking and instead creates anxiety.

How to let go of all or nothing thinking

If you want to shift from this unhelpful thinking pattern to one that is more supportive, try these four steps:

1. Awareness/noticing: The first step in changing any thinking pattern is to start noticing when you’re actually doing it. Sitting quietly and engaging in short meditation practices (like the short “thought noticing” meditation below) that are focused on becoming aware of your thoughts is a good place to start.

2. Acceptance: Once you’ve started noticing your thoughts, it’s important to let them be there, and come and go, without resisting them. Denying that you engage in black and white thinking won’t help you change the thought patterns. As you begin to notice the thoughts, gently accept them.

3. Question the thoughts: After you’ve begun to notice and accept your thoughts, you can begin to question them. Get out your journal and ask yourself the following questions:

   • Is it true?

   • How does it feel to think this thought?

   • What evidence is there to support another point of view?

4. Begin to experiment with new, more supportive thoughts: As you begin to gather evidence to support new thoughts, you’ll need to start practicing those new thoughts. You may find this part challenging, particularly if you’ve been holding the unsupportive thoughts for a long time. Take it one tiny turtle step at a time and try taking your thoughts up a thought ladder.

   You can use this thought ladder exercise with any thought you want to change. Here’s an example of how a thought ladder works for a shy introvert who’s anxious about going to a party:

   Original thought: I can’t do this.

   1st rung: I notice I keep having the thought that I can’t do this.
   2nd rung: Maybe it’s possible that I could find out how to do this.
   3rd rung: I can learn how to do this.
   4th rung: I’m learning how to do this.
   5th rung: I can do more than I thought.
   6th rung: I can do this.

   It’s important to find thoughts that you can practice believing. In this instance, this person would likely never get a thought like, “I can do this” without slowly changing the thought in stages (shades of gray). The goal is to create believable thoughts that your brain can get on board with.

Changing your thoughts, especially thoughts you’ve been repeatedly thinking for a very long time, takes effort and patience but the rewards of trading all or nothing thinking for beautiful shades of gray are well worth it.

Here’s a short thought noticing meditation to get you started in noticing your thoughts:

Notice Your Thoughts Meditation

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