Between Here and There
How to avoid decision overwhelm about change in midlife and beyond
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
Mary Oliver
Why is it so hard to make decisions, especially in midlife and beyond?
Everyone faces challenges making transformative life decisions, and it seems particularly difficult for many of us to believe it’s possible as we get older. By the time we reach midlife, we’ve had a lot of years of social conditioning and worries about what others think, along with feelings of lack (i.e., money, confidence, and/or time).
We tend to get stuck in our ways, and it doesn’t need to be like that.
One of the main reasons it’s so hard to make decisions is that our brains don’t like change and will do everything possible to keep us in a state of indecision and confusion.
So how can you create a fresh, new chapter in your life when you’re stuck in such confusion and indecision?
You can start the process of change by noticing your thoughts and beliefs.
What are you believing about yourself today? Are those thoughts moving you forward or holding you back? Try not to judge your thoughts, just notice them and get curious.
When you are confused and overwhelmed about what to do next, you are likely in what I like to call the “awkward in between”.
The awkward in between exists when you’re between here (your present situation) and there (where you want to be).
It doesn’t mean you’re lost (you don’t need to “find yourself”), you’re just at a point in your life when your old way of being isn’t satisfying, but the next version of you hasn’t been born yet.
It’s something like the caterpillar when it builds a cocoon, dissolves completely, and eventually re-creates itself into a beautiful butterfly.
You’re in the midst of change; of transformation. This place is uncomfortable and your brain will do everything it can to keep your old self intact.
It will tell you lies like:
You’re too old
It’s too late
It’s too hard (“Old dogs can’t learn new tricks”)
You don’t have enough money
You don’t have enough time
You don’t know enough and aren’t capable.
I’m sure you can think of more. What does your mind tell you?
Here are some ideas to help you get started making decisions about your next adventure in life:
Start with awareness. Notice what your brain is telling you and remind yourself that it’s perfectly normal to feel confused when making decisions. Relax into the confusion and allow it to be there to minimize the overwhelm.
Take a few moments to ground yourself in the present moment and take a few breaths. Notice how you’re feeling and recognize that it’s normal to feel a little anxious and apprehensive about starting something new.
Once you’re grounded and calm, focus on the facts, not the “what ifs” and stories your brain creates. The facts are verifiable; something we can all agree on.
Write everything that you’re thinking down. We have hundreds of thoughts each day and they compete with each other in our minds. When you write your thoughts down, and then question them, you gain so much more clarity.
Take one teeny, tiny step forward. Just one. See how it feels in your body. Then take another one, and another one…..
It might not be easy, and you’ll likely make lots of adjustments and learn lots along the way, but I promise you it will be worth it. You’re not too old and it’s never too late - always remember that.
“I’ve always loved butterflies because they remind us that it’s never too late to transform ourselves.”
Drew Barrymore
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I’d love to hear from you so please send any comments or questions to me at sharon@sharonashtoncoaching.com. Feel free to share this email with anyone else who may be interested.
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"I felt at complete ease with Sharon from our first conversation. She has a wonderful, gentle but firm way that made me focus on my thoughts / feelings so I could remove / change to move forward with a completely different feeling to what felt like obstacles. It was great having regular coaching that gently kept me accountable to actioning and moving towards my goals. Sharon has vast experience in so many areas, I felt that makes her an amazing coach.”
— Michelle Carney, East Galway, Ireland
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